


Sulu, You Fool

by Misscar



Series: Happy April Fools' Day [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: April Fools' Day, F/M, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, Infertility, M/M, Mpreg, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vulcan fertility cookies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:09:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative title: The Worst Way Possible to Find Out Your Partner is Pregnant</p>
<p>Sequel to: So This Isn't an April Fool's Day Joke?</p>
<p>Summary: Sending out a fake baby shower invitation complete with fake pregnant Spock graphic was a brilliant idea for April fool's day 2063. There's no way this could backfire on him. How was Sulu supposed to know that some male Vulcans have a uterus?</p>
<p>Stupid Vulcans for keeping the cool stuff about their reproductive habits a dirty secret, such as plant-based fertility cookies. Nyota is going to tear his balls off if Spock doesn't find him first. Pregnant people can be scary.</p>
<p>Pairings: Established K/S and U/HS</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally my April Fools' Day story for 2012.  
> This is a slightly revised version.
> 
> I wanted to try something different and it just worked for this story
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: Mpreg but done in a tasteful and logical way. Language
> 
> This is inspired by the fact I have family members who tell you very important things by text message or e-mail, such as a family member having a stroke and being in the hospital.
> 
> Thank you to Teddy Bear for being on this chapter.

April 1 was still Hikaru's favorite day, even after a certain unfortunate incident two years ago involving spending 5 hours in a Jefferies Tube. He should have remembered that Jim Kirk is great at accomplishing the impossible. He learned the very valuable lesson of not messing with Nyota or Dr. McCoy. (He really doesn't want to think about his last prostate exam at the hands of an extremely pissed off Dr. McCoy.)

Jim took the whole thing very well after Sulu was rescued. His only official punishment was to clean up after the engagement party (that Jim still allowed to happen) by himself the old fashioned way. Okay, so it took him 6 hours to clean up the mess created by Engineering supplying too much alcohol to the festivities. He had no idea how several pairs of silk underwear ended up on the ceiling nor does he want to think about the use condoms he found in the nearby supply closet.

His unofficial punishment was to be Nyota's official date/buffer at all wedding related events; including the official engagement party, real bridal shower, joint bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, and the actual wedding because Nyota refused to attend anything related to her ex boyfriend's wedding without an escort. She probably asked her new BFF Jim to add more events just to make him extra miserable. At the time, she thought making him be her escort to everything would make him unhappy because she assumed that he was completely gay and dating Chekhov at the time (They were together once but by then they were just friends). He actually enjoyed spending time with her. There was something unbelievably fun about exchanging snide comments about everyone in Japanese during the festivities, that no one else could understand.

As much as he loves April fool's day, he decided not to do any practical jokes that year. There was too much wedding stuff going on at the time, including the bachelor party, for him to have time to do anything really good. Although Nyota was convinced the two of them waking up completely naked and in bed together was another one of his great April fool's day jokes. It took her a week to figure out that he had nothing to do with what happened (Mr. Hill was another matter entirely.) Despite the circumstances, the two have been together 'casually' ever since. Although, can it really be considered casual if it's completely exclusive?

Despite spending two consecutive April 2 hiding in Jeffries Tubes from past or future lovers due to pranks gone wrong, Sulu decided it was time for another great joke. This was most likely going to be their last year together on Enterprise and he wanted to do something great before leaving his extended family (and possibly girlfriend). He knew due to the command shortage he would most likely be reassigned as a first officer or even a captain, if things were really bad once this tour was over. It was even more possible considering that he and Nyota had to take over some of the duties Spock had after the wedding due to 'conflict of interest'. They were also both being personally trained by Jim, which made promotion off Enterprise even more likely (even if a part of him did not want that).

This month would also be the five year anniversary of the battle of Vulcan and everybody could use some serious cheering up. A victimless (mostly) practical joke would make everyone smile, especially with his special graphic. So Spock probably wouldn't be happy with the illustration but he deserved it because he has been extra Vulcan for the last few months and managed to make Ensign Li cry twice yesterday. Considering how much of the crew was annoyed with their commander, that would add to the fun of the joke. Also, anything involving a party usually makes everyone happy. Who wouldn't enjoy a fake baby shower, especially a fake baby shower for their Captain and Commander. It would be unbelievably funny, especially with the fake baby shower games (that he got from his sister).

To cover his bases this time, he did ask Nyota permission to throw a party this year since it was now her job to approve that sort of thing. She was probably suspicious he was planning something for April 1 but she still gave in after about an hour of him displaying excellent 'oral skills'. Therefore, there was a chance she would know it was his doing even if he used someone else's account but this would be worth it. Besides he doubted his 'girlfriend' would turn him in, she enjoyed his oral skills too much.

To increase plausible deniability, the e-mail would be coming from Katrina Cameron, Jim's new very reluctant yeoman. She deserves to be his direct victim for being a close-minded moron. (Also, anybody who uses their mother's maiden name and their age as a password, deserves to have their e-mail account hijacked, on principle alone, in his opinion.) Jim was probably looking for a reason to fire the girl anyway considering the nasty looks she always gives Jim and his husband whenever she thought no one was paying attention. Rumor has it, that she was assigned to Enterprise and Jim after doing something really stupid, in hopes that she would leave Starfleet.

He was pretty sure he knew what that stupid thing was and why the higher ups assumed that working for Jim would be enough to make her resign from Starfleet all together. Sulu dated her for a couple of weeks during his first year at the academy until he introduced her to his two paternal grandfathers during a parents weekend. He dumped her after she expressed her condolences for him having two gay grandfathers but not before telling her that he was not heterosexual. After that, he mostly stuck with men until Nyota.

He decided to go with the baby shower announcement this time, not only because baby showers are fun, but it seemed the least likely to ever be true. (Although, he did briefly consider sending out an engagement notice, regarding Scotty becoming engaged to the ship. Unfortunately, that seemed almost probable and repetitive.) He wanted to avoid accidentally guessing the truth, like two years ago. There's no way in hell Spock could be pregnant, even if he was displaying classic pregnancy mood swings right now. Although, Hikaru is aware that some species of males in the Federation are able to carry offspring, he never heard anything about male Vulcans being able to. Considering their extreme need to reproduce, after the destruction of Vulcan, such an avenue would not only be well utilized but also well publicized.

There was a chance this could still backfire. Jim and Spock could be planning to use a gestational carrier and genetic engineering like his grandfathers did. He doubted that would be happening anytime soon, unless they really are going to take that assignment teaching at the academy while Enterprise undergoes some major renovations, (Due to staffing shortages and to improve retention, families were being allowed to live on ships under certain circumstances, thus the need for major renovations.) Just in case the couple were working on a future child via gestational carrier, Sulu spent several hours manipulating an image of Commander Spock to look at least six months pregnant for the invitation to emphasize that this was a joke.

XXX  
From: CameronKA

To: Enterprise_Users

Subject: Surprise baby shower for Commander Spock-Kirk and Captain Kirk-Spock.

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 19:01:22

You are cordially invited to the baby shower of Commander Spock-Kirk and Captain Kirk-Spock who are expecting their first child together.

When: April 5 at 1900 hours

Where: REC room two

Alcohol: Yes, alcohol will be served (except to the expecting father to be) courtesy of Engineering, but do not tell Starfleet that. If you are technically on duty, do not even think about it. If you are on duty the next morning, do not overdo it. As you may remember from last year's bachelor party incident, Dr. McCoy will refuse to give out hangover cures to 'idiots who can't hold their liquor' just because he can.

Contact Lieutenant Chekhov if you want to help with decorations. Please send him your suggestions for baby shower games, as well.

Contact Lieutenant Commander Sulu if you want to help with food. All suggestions regarding what a pregnant male Vulcan would eat are entirely welcome.

In accordance with Starfleet regulation 3.5.67d regarding giving gifts to a superior Officer(s), if you would like to make a contribution of 10 credits or fewer to the Baby Vulcan Fund, please see Lieutenant Commander Uhura

[Alternative text for graphic: manipulated image of Commander Spock-Kirk looking six months pregnant eating peanut butter covered pickles.]

XXX

He probably wouldn't be doing anything fun with his 'girlfriend' for a least a week by having her as the gift person for this fake party, but unlike Dr. McCoy, he actually enjoys it when she puts her fingers in a certain place.

His plan was perfect. There was no way this would backfire.


	2. This Isn't Funny or You Don't Tell Someone That In an E-mail.

She was going to kill her boyfriend for this, if Spock didn't do it first. 'A nerve pinch was too good for something like this.' That was her only thought when she opened the message and several of the emails already coming in from her colleagues about the "Baby Vulcan Fund." Spock was not going to be happy about the invitation, let alone the graphic because Spock hates people "gossiping" about his personal life regardless of the accuracy, and unfortunately this was almost accurate, in a tragic way. Jim was not going to be that happy either, mostly because the special graphic would remind him of what he can't have yet.

Stupid, idiotic boyfriend.

She knew it was Sulu who did this, despite sending it from his (only) ex-girlfriend's account (She is so furious right now that she cannot even use his first name). The biggest clue was the fact he wasn't with her right now. They always spend their free time together. Notwithstanding the fact he used similar wording in the engagement party invitation, her boyfriend was a genius for accidentally falling into the truth. Spock may not be pregnant yet but Jim and Spock were working on it. Actually, they have already had two failed attempts at in Vitro recently. Jim actually cried (when Spock was safely somewhere else) because he wanted a child so badly.

Really, she shouldn't be surprised that Sulu had another lucky yet disastrous guess. She was starting to think this holiday is cursed. Even their initial hook up was the result of an April Fool's Day joke gone wrong or rather a revenge joke from Lieutenant Hill. He wasn't happy about Sulu's roll in his demotion. He thought it would be funny to put some sort of aphrodisiac in their drinks at Jim's bachelor party-that she still can't remember most of the details of-in hopes that the supposedly completely gay Sulu would freak out because he woke up with his female friend in bed naked. It turns out, Hikaru is gay, like Jim is straight, and he was only freaked out about what happened because he had sex with a friend and didn't remember it. He actually liked her; more importantly he respected her and always treated her as an equal.

So maybe the joke wasn't completely bad. Once she got over the whole thing happening because she was drugged by a complete idiot, she was willing to let things be whatever they would be. Besides, it was nice being with a guy who thought teaching her to fence was a good way to spend the date and didn't think anything of her spending two days straight in the communications lab trying to decipher 20,000 year old alien hieroglyphs. Actually, he was known to do the same thing when he came across a very interesting plant on a mission. Just a few months ago, he spent four days working with plants assumed to be extinct after the destruction of Vulcan that they discovered on a random planet. According to the ancient Vulcan legend, said plants would bring prosperity and fertility.

Unlike two years ago, Hill did not fare very well for his joke, mostly because he had no remorse and his motivation was grounded in malice (at least, Hikaru apologized for her finding out in the worst possible way that her ex boyfriend was getting married). Not only did Nyota kick Hill in the balls, he had to deal with an irate Jim, who was beyond pissed that he had to deal with a disciplinary matter of this nature on his honeymoon after being hospitalized because of it. They actually had to postpone the wedding a week because of what happened.

Hill accidentally drugged more than his intended targets, including Jim. Now normally being drugged with something that would make Jim want to screw Spock like crazy (not that he needed anything extra) would be a good thing. Unfortunately, Jim's evil allergies attacked and he ended up going into anaphylactic shock, which triggered the type of emotional response from Spock that she hasn't seen since the "bridge incident". Jim still doesn't know exactly what his husband did to Hill once Jim was in the capable hands of Dr. McCoy. For the sake of plausible deniability, it's better that he doesn't know it involved lots of broken bones and bruising.

Hill was currently serving four years in a medium security Starfleet facility. Apparently, drugging someone with something that forces an individual to have sex is a court martial offence with jail time. It was made worse, by the fact his stunt almost killed his captain in the process.

Now one year later, another joke turned out to be a little more true than intended. She should be happy that at least nothing her boyfriend did was illegal (except taking over someone's e-mail account) but she doubted a Spock drugged up on fragility medication and an anxious Jim would see it that way, even if it was most likely an accident. As she learned from dating a Vulcan, as a people, they tend to keep anything related to reproduction or sex a complete secret from everyone outside, included the fact that one in 10 male Vulcans are born with a functional uterus and ovaries. She personally did not find out about her ex actually having said uterus until three weeks ago when she did a movie night to cheer up her best friend because the last attempt at in Vitro fertilization did not take (this would be when Jim cried hysterically on her shoulder, not that she was ever allowed to tell anybody that, because it would ruin his manly man image).

Due to pressure from Spock's father to start producing Vulcan grandbabies immediately, the couple decided to take advantage of the year it will take Enterprise to become family friendly and their planet side assignments to work on producing that grandchild. They were trying to get Spock pregnant before the mission ended in July. That would give ample time for Paternity leave before needing to be back in space. At least, that was the plan but so far it wasn't working. Jim really wouldn't be happy with a pregnant Spock graphic. The message that she just received from her friend and captain told her that.  
XXX

Jim is going to kill Sulu. Then he is going to find a way to go back in time and kill the guy who created this fucking holiday in the first place. Every year he ends up dealing with a ton of paperwork due to a prank gone wrong. The easiest mess to clean up oddly enough was two years ago with the engagement party incident. Due to getting a nice engagement present out of the whole thing, he decided to leave that punishment to Nyota off the books. Although, he did add several additional wedding events to help her out (and to appease his crazy father in law). Considering she got a boyfriend out of their arrangement, it worked out for the best.

He was busy at the time punishing Hill for the chocolate replicator incident the year before. In retrospect, being Scotty's special helper for another six months was not enough of a deterrent for Hill from doing dangerous shit. At least, Sulu's weak attempts at humor were never intentionally dangerous and he will acknowledge when he did something stupid. Hill had trouble taking responsibility for his own mistakes. Hill blamed Sulu for getting caught and decided to get revenge by maneuvering things that resulted in Sulu and Nyota sleeping together. What happened was Jim spending too much time in sick bay and Spock doing something to Hill that no one will tell him about, including Hill's now ex-wife. It's never a good thing when your April fool's day joke is so bad that you get court martialed and jail time. The only good thing that came out of the whole fiasco, was Nyota now has a boyfriend that he does not think is a complete prick (when he isn't pulling stupid jokes).

Compared to last year, Sulu sending another fake invitation is relatively mild; however, Jim is going to have to deal with a very sulky hopped up on hormones (almost Pon Far level but with estrogen) husband (he did not almost cry when he saw the graphic, it was allergies, damn it). Spock is already uncomfortable with all the changes his body is going through due to the hormone treatments, to make having a baby possible. Seeing a photographic representation of what he would look like if the in Vitro actually works, is not doing Jim any favors. Even though it was Spock's idea to start working on a child the most natural way they can, he is still scared about the actual pregnancy, in a very Vulcan way. Sulu will pay for Jim having to deal with his slightly crazy husband.

Jim knows that Sulu is responsible for this joke despite the account that the invitation is coming from. First, Yeoman Cameron barely does anything Jim tells her to do, so he doubts she would do anything extra, even to earn extra points to get her off of probation. Second, due to certain notations on her personnel file, the thought of two men having a kid together would freak her out and let's just leave it at that. Now due to her personal preferences, she may have done this as a malicious joke to get back at the two people she doesn't like working for but Jim just doesn't think she is that creative.

Considering that it took him two attempts to guess at her password, Jim is not that surprised her account was taken over by someone with Sulu's modest computer skills (compare to him). Because of her xenophobic tendencies, he also doubts that she is aware that some species of males in the universe can carry offspring, let alone that some Vulcans can, including Jim's husband. Again, she is just not creative enough to think of something like that on her own. However, between the bridal shower thing two years ago and the incident with a certain Admiral's vintage convertible six years ago (that Jim knows Sulu was responsible for) Jim knows that he's creative enough and brave enough to pull something off like this. The fact that Jim knows Sulu hates Yeoman Cameron for personal reasons, makes her being a victim of the joke more likely.

The real question is, was this another case of Sulu guessing the truth or did he actually know that Jim and Spock were trying to get pregnant? The Fact that 10% of Vulcan Males can get pregnant and carry the fetus to term with the aid of in Vitro fertilization and hormone treatments, is the best kept secret in the Federation right after Pon Far. Jim was completely clueless about it until Spock told him, so he doubted that Sulu would know about it. Then there is the popular assumption that hybrids are sterile. Spock's father, in a desperate attempt to make sure that his hybrid son could carry on the family name, made sure that his son was designed with the ability to reproduce via egg or sperm. This was a good thing, because his husband's sperm was not viable at all but his uterus and ovaries worked perfectly fine.

Because his father in law kept pressing the need to rebuild the Vulcan population, they decided to take advantage of Starfleet's new family friendly policies and the year it will take to retrofit Enterprise into compliance. If it wasn't for the pressure from daddy dearest, they probably would have waited until they were both in their forties and most likely on Earth as part of the Admiralty before they would even tried to have kids. However, Vulcans being an endangered species has sort of changed that.

Other than the Vulcan fertility specialist that they are consulting with and Sarek, the only people on Enterprise that knew they were trying to conceive were Dr. McCoy and Nyota. He wasn't planning on telling Nyota, but she caught him after Spock told him that the last attempt at the baby Vulcan did not work (Jim did not get to go to that appointment, due to somebody doing something stupid that he had to fix). She knew he wouldn't be crying over something small and he had to tell her everything. Bones was a master at doctor/patient confidentiality, so Jim doubted he said anything. Nyota was also good at keeping things to herself. However, Jim would not be surprised if she accidentally let something slip to her boyfriend. You will be amazed what one will accidentally let slipped during sex.

\----------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:UhuraNA

Subject:Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 19:09:22

I'm still trying to decide what was more brainless, your boyfriend's bridal shower/engagement party joke two years ago or this year's baby shower invitation? Does he really think this stuff is funny? More importantly, does your boyfriend really believe that I would not figure out it was him? It was obvious it was him because he used the exact same language from the engagement party invitation. The fake pregnancy graphic was a nice touch in a pouring salt on the wounds sort of way. Spock is going to kill him for that alone. You know how the hormone treatments have been affecting him. He is so touchy right now. He threw a bowl of soup at Christine the other day. God that was a disaster.

What I want to know is your boyfriend still a genius at guessing the truth or did you accidentally say something to him? I can understand if you did. He is your boyfriend and you probably had no idea he could be this juvenile. I just need to know who I need to protect from the wrath of a hormonal husband.

PS: I've already received 35 E-mails regarding this already.

\-----------  
From: UhuraNA

To:Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 19:15:22

I'm aware that he is a complete idiot. I've already received 48 messages pertaining to the Baby Vulcan Present fund so far. You're not the only one who is furious. He's going to need protection from me. His hand is going to be his only company for a while.

He came up with his little joke on his own, with no help from me. His only official victim was Yeoman Cameron. Sulu doesn't like her for personal reasons that I cannot disclose. I didn't say anything to him about you and Spock trying to get pregnant. I don't tell my friends business to people who don't need to know. For example, I won't tell you why my boyfriend hates your Yeoman because it's none of your business.

I know you're trying to keep things quiet because male Vulcan pregnancy is prone to miscarriages but if your husband keeps terrorizing the bridge crew everybody is going to know something is up. He's starting to act like the stereotypical crazy pregnant woman, mood swings and all. I honestly think Sulu included the "special graphic" because of Spock's appalling behavior lately. He's my friend, and he's driving me crazy. If this is what pregnancy does to someone, I am never having kids.

\-----  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:UhuraNA

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 19:21:34

I'm married to the guy and he's driving me crazy. If Vulcan male pregnancy was not a dirty little secret among Vulcans I'm sure everybody would know what was going on. Part of me wishes we went with a gestational carrier but you said no way in hell. For some reason, Spock just had to carry the baby himself because he can. Don't ask me to explain the way my husband's mind works. I just can't do it. He's not even pregnant yet and he is already this bad. His behavior is just caused by the medication to help get him pregnant (and may be frustration at the fact that he's not pregnant yet). I don't want to think about his reaction to an image of him extremely pregnant and eating peanut butter covered pickles. He will not be happy. Actually, I don't want to think about a point later on when he will eat peanut butter covered pickles.

What do pregnant Vulcans eat, anyway? I should know this stuff already. I'm going to be a horrible father.

\--------  
He types in that last part not just because he knows nothing about pregnancy nutrition. Even though he wants this child the whole pregnancy thing seems overwhelming. Actually, the thought of being a parent is overwhelming. He didn't exactly have the best role models around. Maybe it was a good thing the last round didn't take, he was going to be horrible at this parenting thing.

\----------  
From: UhuraNA

To:Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 19:34:45

This is another reason why I'm never having kids. Okay, deep cleansing breath. If you are panicking this much now, I don't want to know what you will be like during the actual pregnancy or once the child gets here. I can't believe you're panicking over having kids. Bloodthirsty Romulans do not scare you but children do. Sometimes, I worry about you.

You can do this.

If you can handle 800 moderately insane Starfleet personnel you can deal with one little child. Besides, the kid will be half Spock so that should make things a little easier. You have at a minimum nine months to prepare and Spock is not even pregnant yet. Again, you will be fine.

To answer your specific panic stricken question, I'm sure he will eat the same thing any pregnant vegetarian will eat. See link below and stop panicking. You can do this.

[nutritional guidelines for pregnant Vulcans]

\------  
There was a reason why Jim like her he thought as he went to the FIH web site. In addition to the nutrition guidelines, there were also other resources there related to Vulcan pregnancy. There was even something there for hybrid pregnancy. He was definitely bookmarking this. Also peanut butter covered pickles is apparently a pregnancy delicacy for Vulcans. It looks like Sulu did some research before sticking his foot in his mouth.

\-----------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:UhuraNA

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 19:44:22

I can't believe they actually have websites for that sort of thing. I think it should've been a big clue that male pregnancy was possible for Vulcans because they kept everything gender-neutral.

Okay why are you so afraid of having children besides the mood swings and sheer panic of having another living being be completely depended on you?

I think you will make a good mom someday. You're kind, intelligent, you can kick ass, and you will actually stick around. Those are my main criteria for a good parent. I think you will be a hell of a lot better than my mom ever was. At lease, you would be around most of the time.

I know that you are the type of person who puts those who are close to you first instead of your career. Also considering the fact that you have been with the same guy for the entire year, I thought things were pretty serious. I can so see you guys together 20 years from now raising a ship load of kids who can use a sword and speak 500 different languages. It will be great. Besides, our children will get to run around the ship together, completely awesome.

\----  
From: UhuraNA

To:Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 19:50:22

You're not the only one who had a screwed up childhood because your parents were up in space all the time. I'm just glad that after my mom had a miscarriage, when she found out her brother died in the Kelvin incident, they decided not to try again. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad even if he treated me like the son he always wanted but never got. My mom was barely there and it was painful. It's just weird having your father take you to buy your first training bra because your mom was too preoccupied to (if you have a girl, I volunteered to take that duty now). I don't want to be that type of mom. Even if I have met the right person, it's just not the right time. I'm too focused on my career to have adequate time to take care of a child right now. Maybe in a few years when I decide to take some teaching or research position that lets me stay in one place for a while I can think about having children. Just not now.

\---------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:UhuraNA:

Subject: RE: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 19:53:22

I think my biggest worry is that I will be so caught up with my job that I will forget that I actually have a child. I know it felt that way with my mom. But I think we'll be okay if we acknowledge that we don't want to be our parents.

So is Sulu the right person? Are you in love with him?

\----------  
Jim is not surprised at all that he doesn't get a response right away. He's pretty sure he just asked the wrong question or at the very least a question she does not want to answer. However he does receive a strange message from his husband. Personally, Jim is surprised this did not arrive sooner. As expected his husband was extremely angry in a very Vulcan way.

\---------  
From: Spock-KirkX

To:Kirk-SpockJT: UhuraNA: McCoyLA

Subject:Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 20:10:09

In light of Mr. Sulu's most recent April Fools' Day joke, it is obvious that there is a person disclosing private information in the medical department. Because I hold Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Commander Uhura in such high regard, I do not believe they are responsible for this breach of private information. Due to the type of information disclose this issue must be addressed immediately. I propose meeting at 2100 hours to discuss this disciplinary issue.

\-----  
Jim just rolls his eyes at his husband's antics. He's beyond paranoid. Jim started to type up a response but changed his mind when he saw Nyota's email. Besides if he responds now he will end up sleeping on the couch.

\-------  
From: UhuraNA

To:Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: RE: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 20:13:22

Maybe, sometimes I love him, but when he does stuff like this I'm not sure. I don't think it really matters. With the command shortage, we're going to get split up. It's not like we qualify for Tandem assignments. I'm not that great at relationships, let alone long-distance ones. I'm sure things will fall apart before too long. God, for the first time in my life I'm actually dreading a promotion. Unless it is a real accident, a baby is just not going to happen anytime soon. I accept that.

PS: I think your husband is paranoid and overreacting (a little). I also think I'm going to have to protect my boyfriend from being rendered unconscious by your Spock.

\------------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:UhuraNA

Subject: RE: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 20:18:54

Spock and paranoia usually go hand in hand especially right now because of the fertility treatments. You may want to function as your boyfriend's personal bodyguard for a little while.

On the bright side, if you do accidentally get knocked up then you will qualify for tandem assignments. That's what happened with my parents even if my mom argued otherwise. There is no way in hell Sam was a 10 pound premi.

Don't worry about it. It will all work out in the end. Besides depending on how bad I punish your boyfriend he may not even qualify for a promotion anymore. I'm going to talk to Spock about the appropriate punishment for breaking into somebody's email account, sending out doctored photos of your superior officer, and throwing another party without permission. I know you read the earlier e-mail from my Vulcan and it's obvious he's not happy. Because you're my best friend, I'm going to try to talk him out of doing anything really bad. We may even leave the punishment to you. I'm sure you can come up with something better than either of us ever could.

\-------  
He would make a joke about withholding sex but he doesn't feel like dealing with sexual harassment training again even if she already made one herself.

\---------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT:

To:UhuraNA:

Subject: Re: Your boyfriend is an idiot

Time Send: 4/1/2263 19:24:22

Unless somebody decided to switch my birth control pills out with a placebo as another stupid joke, an accident is not going to happen. I believe in preventing pregnancy by any means possible but if that doesn't work then that means the baby is meant to be. It's just not meant to be right now.

Although, that does give me a perfectly wonderful punishment for this year's stupidity. Let's see if my boyfriend likes a taste of his own medicine.

Technically he did ask me for permission for the party so he can't be punished for that, everything else is fair game.

I think you should take your own advice when it comes to the baby thing. It will work itself out in the end. Stop worrying about it. You will be fine.

\---------  
Jim wonders if this is a good time to tell her that she accidentally ate Vulcan fertility cookies three weeks ago when she was over for the "cheer up Jim because Spock didn't end up pregnant" movie night. It was not his fault that Spock forgot to tell him the story behind the purpose of using once thought to be extinct plants to make cookies. It was probably best not to say anything. Besides, he doubted the cookies were powerful enough to counteract her birth control pills even if they were more than some old Vulcan urban legend. It's probably more important that he works on calming down his slightly hysterical husband (besides if he had to deal with a slightly crazy husband, Sulu deserves any punishment his girlfriend can come up with).

\-------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To: Spock-KirkX

CC: UhuraNA; McCoyLA

Subject: Re: Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Send: 4/1/2263 20:30:47

I can't believe I'm telling you this, but calm down. Nobody betrayed you or violated section 47.13. Our favorite pilot just had another lucky guess. We can discuss appropriate punishment when you are done playing in your lab. Nyota already has an idea but it's probably again section 473.9B regarding the treatment of POWs let alone any personnel, however, I'm in bad enough of a mood to allow it as long as no one ends up dead.

Why are you freaking out about this? It's not like you are actually pregnant and he told the entire ship before you could.

\---------  
When Spock doesn't reply after 10 minutes Jim becomes a little worried that Sulu wasn't the only one who could have a lucky guess. There's no way that is possible because the last round of in Vitro did not work. For a moment, Jim wondered if Spock finally got in the April Fool's Day spirit.

\----------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To: Spock-KirkX

CC: UhuraNA; McCoyLA

Subject: Re: Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 20:45:47

You're not actually pregnant are you? That seems to be the only logical explanation for the fact that you're so freaked out (for you) about what happened. Your lack of response has me worried. (nervous laugh)

\--------  
From: Spock-KirkX

To: Kirk-SpockJT

CC: UhuraNA; McCoyLA

Subject: Re: Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 20:50:02

Due to the volatile nature of male Vulcan pregnancy I felt it was best to wait four additional weeks after Dr. McCoy determined the last treatment was successful. I am dismayed that due to pure coincidence the entire ship found out about the pregnancy before I was ready for such a thing to take place.

Jim actually dropped his PADD when he read this. After knowing Spock for nearly five years, this should not surprise him. He actually told his father that they were engaged via e-mail. Spock could have at least called.

\-----------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To: Spock-KirkX

CC: UhuraNA; McCoyLA

Subject: Re: Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 20:54:27

You and I are going to have a very long talk about what is appropriate to reveal in an e-mail. Telling me that you're pregnant is not appropriate. Also, I get that you did not want the pregnancy to be public knowledge but I am not part of the public. I can't believe you lied to me. Since you are pregnant, you're not allowed to work yourself to death anymore. Work time is over for the night. I'm coming to the lab to drag you back home and I expect a makeup blow job.

With that Jim left for a very long discussion about why his husband was afraid to let anybody know about the pregnancy. Apparently, Amanda went through six miscarriages, four of which happened after Spock was born. Jim could understand the cautiousness but he was not happy.

He also found out that it may have been a bad thing for his friend to eat certain Vulcan cookies because they probably interfered with her birth control pills. There really were certain herbs inside that facilitated pregnancy and prevented miscarriages. Said herbs do not work that well with modern birth control. He decided he would tell her in the morning, he was too busy doing other things including his husband. He was so busy celebrating the baby that he did not check his e-mail again till morning. Actually, he did not want to deal with the 897 baby related E-mails in his inbox until he had too. Fortunately he was able to filter out the good stuff.

\------------  
From: McCoyLA

To: Spock-KirkX; Kirk-SpockJT

CC: UhuraNA;

Subject: Re: Unauthorized disclosure of personal medical information

Time Send: 4/1/2263 20:45:47

Do not use reply to all on these types of conversations especially when you start talking about your sex life. Actually don't use reply to all at all. It's about as annoying as the stupid pranks by Sulu. Did he really think he would get away with this. I don't want to know about this. I am your doctor not your marriage counselor, damn it.

PS: I told him to tell you but the damn stubborn Vulcan wouldn't listen to me.

Jim just rolled his eyes at that message. The subject line from one of Nyota's e-mails made him shiver just a little bit.

__________  
From: UhuraNA:

To:McCoyLA

CC: Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: Need your assistance in punishing my boyfriend.

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 22:01:23

I can't give you the details but can I schedule an appointment for a pregnancy test tomorrow.

\---------------  
From: McCoyLA

To:UhuraNA:

CC: Kirk-SpockJT

Subject: Re: Need your assistance in punishing my boyfriend.

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 22:13:53

I know what you're planning. You are a cruel woman. Sometimes, I think you're scarier than my ex wife. I can see you at seven tomorrow.

That was in less than 10 minutes. That's going to be a disaster if his suspicions were correct.

\---------------  
From: UhuraNA

To: SuluHG

BCC: Kirk-SpockJT; McCoyLA; Spock-KirkX

Subject:Don't even think about sex tonight, you fool.

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 21:34:23

I suggest you do not come over tonight. Seriously, what were you thinking? How could you think e-mailing a manipulated picture of an extremely pregnant commanding officer was a good idea? Everyone, knew it was you. In a few months, you are going to find out how badly you screwed up. OK since you like planning baby showers so much, you may be planning your own soon. I'm late.

PS: I'm not the only one.

\---------  
From: Kirk-SpockJT

To:McCoyLA

Subject: RE: Need your assistance in punishing my boyfriend.

Time Sent: 4/2/2263 6:53:22

A couple of weeks ago during a movie night Nyota ate half of box of Vulcan cookies that Spock made, not knowing that they contain special herbs that most likely deactivated her birth control pills. Hell, I didn't know at the time, otherwise, I wouldn't have given her the cookies. Yes, I know I should listen to Spock more often. You may want to actually give her a pregnancy test.

To be continued.


	3. Please Tell Me this is a Joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Georgiana Spencer for being the beta on this chapter

________________________________________  
Hikaru read her e-mail twice before even considering his response. His mind was on information overload and he was personally surprised he did not faint. First, everyone knows that he was responsible for the baby Vulcan baby shower invitation and those that actually mattered were not happy or amused. If his girlfriend's email did not tell him that, the message where Dr. McCoy called him a toddler (accompanied by several expletives) would have. This was coupled with the 15 other messages he received from various crewmembers either congratulating or condemning him on his joke. Fortunately, nothing has arrived from his commanding officers yet, but the key word was yet. Not good.  
Second, it turned out that Spock really is pregnant. Nyota's end statement normally would not tell him this, but between receiving a classified medical research paper from Dr. McCoy and the bizarre e-mail he received from the only other Vulcan crew member on board chastising him (in a very Vulcan way) for revealing Vulcan reproductive secrets to the general population of Enterprise, he discovered that male Vulcan pregnancy was possible. Her message pretty much told him that he had another disastrous lucky guess. She wouldn't be so pissed otherwise.  
He was so going to be spending another day in the Jeffries tubes on risk of getting his ass nerve pinched. Spock despises people who gossip about him. That's why he ended up throwing a bowl of soup at a nurse the other day. Hikaru is sure Spock is going to throw something much harder at him before he kicks his ass. He was so screwed.  
Jim was also going to be pissed, but in a punch first and ask questions later sort of way. Hikaru's dream of becoming a captain any time before 40 was in jeopardy. He remembered what happened to Hill last year and how lucky he got off the first time. He doubted that he would get that fortunate again. Friendship would only go so far.  
Of course, if what his girlfriend said in the e-mail was true, maybe it would be a good thing that he's never going to become a captain. It's a lot easier to take care of a child when you're not working 200 hour weeks, especially when your partner is. Because even if he has irritated too many people to get that position, Nyota will become a captain someday. She was just as good as him, maybe even better. It is a lot easier to negotiate a treaty when you're not completely dependent on the universal translator. She was much more patient than he was and thought things through. (Right now, he sincerely wished he thought this joke through.) Besides, Hikaru is sure that he would make a good captain's husband. He looks great in a tux and making people feel comfortable is something that he excels at.  
Of course, part of his brain knows that part of the e-mail is not true. This must be her joke on him. If she was turning this around on him, that meant she was beyond furious. Actually, the fact that she has not returned one of the 24 messages that he has sent asking if this was a joke told him that she was beyond furious. He was completely fucked and not in a fun way. Being cut off from sex, was the least of his difficulties.  
Despite her refusing to confirm that this was a joke, he knows it must be. It is just not possible for her to be pregnant. Nyota takes her birth control religiously. If she is even suspicious that it may not work correctly, they use a backup method of contraception. The scientist in him knows that no medication is 100% perfect but he is completely sure of this. It's not like the old days were a simple antibiotic could counteract her birth control pill or one could completely screw herself over by taking her medication at different times of the day.  
If he remembers correctly, there are only a few plants and herbs that can render the medication she is on useless. The ship doesn't carry any Juror-Angelo root or carolexceeds seeds. They also haven't been on any planets where these plants exist recently. The only other plant that would do that was a Vulcan plant that was called the flower of life in standard. It was called that because it was used in various treatments for infertility. However, despite its usefulness, the plant was never exported and therefore it died when Vulcan did. So he didn't have to worry about that.  
"Oh fuck, that's not true anymore." He mumbled out loud to his empty room. He forgot that they found the so-called flower of life (or something very close to it) on another planet two months ago. He had several batches of it growing in his greenhouse, a greenhouse that his girlfriend spends a lot of time in. He never did tell her about the properties of that particular flower. She was going to kill him. He was completely screwed.  
________________________________________  
There were some days where Leonard McCoy wondered why the hell he ended up on this godforsaken ship in the first place. Surely, being on the same planet as his shrew of an ex wife, who had nothing better to do then spread poisonous lies to their daughter, was better than dealing with incompetent toddler-like crew members with hangovers, Jim Kirk-Spock's stupid captain tricks, and overly bureaucratic Admiralty on a regular basis. This belief usually begin sometime around April 1 and last until he tries to schedule a videoconference with his baby girl, only to be told it's not possible despite the custody order stating otherwise.  
He hates this month. He hated it because everyone else hated it. The anniversary of the battle of Vulcan was the cause of everyone's misery and depression. Every April, he would have to deal with at least 1 to 2 suicidal crewmembers. There will be others suffering nightmares and flashbacks of what happened. He doesn't even want to think about the amount of anti depressants that he has to prescribed during this month alone. This was just a bad month in general, without all the April Fool's Day jokes that go wrong.  
He also believes that a happy crew is a healthy crew. Even if people see him as the grumpy doctor of Enterprise, he appreciates humor as much as the next person but not when it backfires spectacularly as it has for the last few years. He could appreciate the April Fool's Day jokes as long as they did not lead to more people being in his sick bay, which it usually did. April Fool's Day 2259 he treated three people for an allergic reaction to itching powder including their 'special as a snowflake' captain. April 1, 2260 involved treating strange allergic reactions to green dye, chocolate, and lubricant. Thank god, he keeps allergy medication on him anytime he enters the cafeteria, otherwise, he would have spent the day filling out accidental death reports. Good thing because if he put down 'death by chocolate' on the report the Admiralty would just assumed he was pulling a childish joke. He would also like to completely repress the fact that he had to treat his friend and captain for a rash on his private parts that night.  
April 1, 2261 wasn't too bad other than having to put up with crew members asking him about the gift fund even after Nyota took over the duty. Although, he did have to treat a certain nurse who fainted when she found out her crush was gay and engaged.  
Last year was the worst April Fool's Day joke gone wrong during his time on board. First, there was Jim having a nasty allergic reaction that almost killed him due to Hill "accidentally" slipping OGHB into his drink. This would be more disturbing if it didn't happen at least once every six months (the accidental drugging and the allergic reaction). Because of the nature of the drug, that was given to nine different crew members without their consent, the medical team had to do numerous rape kits. Then of course, there was the damage done to Mr. Hill when it was discovered what he did that McCoy had to take care of. This also led to modifying the medical report to make sure that his friend's husband didn't spend his wedding day in lock up.  
This year he is going to have to deal with a panicking best friend who found out he was going to be a Dad via e-mail. (Of course, this was slightly better than how Leonard found out he was going to be a father. That involved the cow showing up with her daddy at his place of work with an actual shotgun to force the wedding). He is sure that as soon as the celebratory sex ended, he would be receiving various emails from Jim on everything from what sex positions are appropriate during pregnancy to general questions about what to expect when you are expecting a baby hobgoblin.  
He already sent Jimmy several journal articles but he doubted that the toddler read any of them. He had more fun doing mock sword fights with the guy responsible for telling the whole ship that he was going to be a Dad before he knew himself. McCoy was sure that he would be treating Sulu for a few more "accidental" sparring injuries in the near future.  
Now much to his displeasure, he was being brought into this silly practical joke thing as part of Sulu's punishment. He would think that making Sulu believe that his girlfriend was pregnant was unbelievably cruel, if it was not obvious that she was joking (and the he took a jab at him in the invitation, again). It was obvious because Nyota was on the type of birth control where one only has a period once every three months. It made telling if you were actually late quite difficult. Even if she was actually pregnant, she wouldn't know about it for a while by that means. Besides, considering the accuracy of modern birth control, there was only a one in 1,320,000 chance of becoming pregnant while on the medication without some outside factor. Of course, this is a ship where they have encountered alien aphrodisiacs and crazy fungus that makes everybody do whatever they want, so who knew.  
He decided to go along with the joke because by the morning of April 2, he had 223 different inquiries about the viability of Vulcan male pregnancy. Underneath all those silly messages, he did find three that made him wonder if Nyota's 'joke' was about to become an unintentional reality.  
________________________________________  
From: SuluHG  
To:McCoyLA  
Subject:Question regarding the 'Flower of Life'  
Time Sent: 4/1/2263 23:34:23  
How much contact does a person have to have with the flower of life for it to render a contraceptive inactive? I looked in several books regarding this but I can't find anything usefull, that's not written in ancient Vulcan and I'm not asking my girlfriend to translate. As I have learned in the last 4 hours, Vulcans keep everything related to reproductive health a secret. Since you sent me that paper earlier, I thought you may know.  
________________________________________  
From: Spock-KirkX  
To:McCoyLA  
Subject: Accidental consumption of the 'Flower of Life'  
Time Sent: 4/2/2263 01:01:28  
After explaining to Jim's satisfaction why I chose not to inform him of the successful implantation of two embryos until sufficient time had passed, I was informed of how much emotional pain my omission caused. Apparently, he had something refer to as a 'pig out' with Nyota involving consuming vast quantities of cookies and pizza to self medicate during a movie night. I have been told that consuming vast quantities of junk food helps humans process their emotions. I am unsure of the accuracy of this technique. Unfortunately, during this activity, Nyota accidentally consumed cookies containing the flower of life. Although, I am certain her e-mail to her boyfriend was a retaliation joke, because she is on a 70 day cycle instead of a 28 day cycle, if she is still using the same contraception that she use during our relationship. However, consumption of that plant, in even a small quantity, could make that particular contraceptive inactive. It may be best to determine if there were any long-term consequences of accidental ingestion of the flower.  
________________________________________  
By the time he read James' e-mail, his head was throbbing and he had the sudden urge to open his emergency bottle that he kept in his office for situations like these. Those three guys can fight Romulans but they can't tell one Communications Officer that she may have consumed something that deactivated her birth control pills. Fucking cowards. He was most likely going to have to break the news to Nyota that she was pregnant because it was his job. Maybe, he really should just go back to Earth.  
________________________________________  
20 minutes before she was supposed to meet Hikaru in Dr. McCoy's office for the first part of his punishment for being too child-like sometimes, he was outside waiting for her with what appeared to be a peace offerings. He looked almost adorable standing outside her room with the baby teddy bear and a box of chocolates. A box of good chocolates that had to have come from his sister because she was the only one who sent stuff like that.  
"Do you really think chocolate and a teddy bear will convince me to forgive you?" She asked with hands on her hips, not even bothering to take the packages from him.  
"Not really but if I did accidentally get you pregnant, I figured I needed to start groveling now. I'm sorry." He said, passing the baby teddy bear and candy to her. Why did she have a feeling this was originally part of the baby shower decorations. It was adorable. She was having a hard time staying angry at him but she would not let him know that, as she coldly placed everything on her end table.  
"Why are you apologizing?" She asked in irritation, or at least she tried to be irritated. His show of contrition was going a long way to alleviate her anger.  
"I'm mostly sorry for possibly getting you pregnant. I'm sorry. To me that's the one that can't be undone. I had no idea about… I completely forgot about… I didn't think just touching… I…" he started but she cut him off because she couldn't take his babbling any longer. Maybe, this was a bad Idea. She didn't think he would take this so seriously. He did send her several emails asking her if this was a joke before apologizing in several other emails.  
"It takes two; it was not all your fault, if I am pregnant. Let's just take things one at a time. Pregnancy test first, and then we can go from there. I might not be pregnant." She said trying to calm him down. She could tell he was panicking.  
"That's a good idea. Just let me say this first if you are pregnant, I am not leaving. I promise to stick around through morning sickness, 2:00 AM feedings, the first day of school, and graduation, if that's the route you want to take. I will stay with you no matter what your decision is." That was so sweet she almost wanted to cry. This is why she loves him sometimes. She was regretting her punishment idea. This was a bad idea. Why did Spock not talk her out of this? He was her rational friend.  
"Is that the only reason why you are sorry?” She asked trying to get this conversation on a different path.  
"I'm sorry I accidentally told the entire ship that Spock is pregnant or at least I think I did. Honestly, I didn't know it was possible until I read a top secret medical paper about male Vulcan pregnancy. I am sure Spock is not happy about that. Knowing my luck, I probably told Jim before Spock had a chance to." He said honestly. She did wonder who sent him the journal article.  
"I'm not going to confirm nor deny that." She said with a noncommittal shrug.  
"You just did. Oh fuck, they're both going to kill me." He said panicking again. “Our poor baby is going to grow up fatherless because I will be dead." She almost laughed at his dramatics. A part of her smiled at that because he was so concerned about their baby, even if there was no baby.  
"Our baby will not grow up fatherless, if I am pregnant." She added that last part hastily. "Jim said he was most likely going to put me in charge of your punishment."  
"Now our child will be an orphan. I will be dead and you will be in jail for killing me." He said just as dramatically.  
"Stop it. That's not going to happen, unless you can die from blue balls." She saw him wince at that. Good.  
"I deserve that." He said not looking at her.  
"Besides, can we even have sex with you being pregnant?" He asked with genuine concern.  
"According to the pregnancy books in Jim's quarters, the answer is usually." She said with a sigh. If she was actually pregnant she would send him to the human version of the website that she sent Jim to last night.  
"I'm going to have to borrow some of those books. I have nieces but you know I rarely get to spend time with the sprouts."  
"You're not calling our future children sprouts… if I am pregnant." She again added hastily. Why was she warming up to the idea of having his kid? Pregnancy would be a disaster right now. She already reached the position of Chief Communications Officer but she did have her heart on the captain's chair now. Children would complicate that.  
"Fine. What about nibbles?" He asked and she just shook her head.  
"Let's just find out if I'm pregnant before you start coming up with irritating nicknames." She walked out into the hallway as she spoke.  
"Fine, what about rug rats?" Her only response was to sigh, as they walked to sick bay. The entire time her boyfriend kept talking about all the good things that will happen if she was pregnant. It made her feel horrible. It also caused her nausea to return. It was probably caused by guilt.  
Xxx  
20 minutes later she wondered if his enthusiasm was all part of his plan to lull her in to a false sense of security, as he played the ultimate April Fool's Day joke on her a day late. As soon as Dr. McCoy told her that she was actually pregnant, she knew that Sulu figured out his punishment quite easily and decided to turn things around on her. (Again, she was too pissed off to use his first name).  
"Very funny. I'm so tired of these silly jokes." She said, looking directly at her boyfriend (or possibly soon to be ex-boyfriend) with what her team refers to as The Death Glare™. "How much alcohol did you have to give him to be part of this silly stunt? I can't believe you're going along with this?" She said pointing to the doctor.  
"What are you talking about?" Sulu asked in confusion.  
"This is another one of your silly April Fool's Day joke. I know you set this up." She accused again.  
"I'm not joking. You are approximately 20 days pregnant." Dr. Mccoy said quickly. "I didn't get anything to tell you this. Although, I could use a drink right now."  
"I can't be pregnant. I take my pill every day at the exact same time. I'm not pregnant. This is just another one of your jokes." She repeated once more.  
"Again, I'm confused. How could I have arranged this? You were the one who told me that you were late? Although, I'm a guy even I know, if your period has not arrived yet, that usually means that pregnancy is possible. Bones just ran the pregnancy test four times. In a little less than nine months we're going to be parents, if that is…" He started as he tried to squeeze her hand but she just pulled away.  
"I lied about that. I don't have a time of the month. I have a period once every 70 days. I'm not supposed to have one for another four weeks." She explained quickly as a look of understanding crossed his face. Sometimes, it's a good thing to date a guy who grew up with sisters around.  
"I always wondered about that. If you're not technically late, why did you send that e-mail yesterday?" His voice sounded slightly angry.  
"So you'll get a taste of your own medicine. Thanks to you, Jim found out in an e-mail that Spock is pregnant. At the same time, you told the entire ship something very private even if you didn't mean to. Vulcan male pregnancy has a very high miscarriage rate. Add in the fact that Spock is a hybrid and you have a potentially heartbreaking situation on your hands. Do you have any idea how bad everybody knowing this could be, if the worst happens?" She asked with fury in her voice.  
"Trust me I realize how stupid the joke was, now. However, I had no idea Vulcan male pregnancy was possible, so I think you should just tone down the righteous indignation. In addition, I think you should accept that you're pregnant." He said slightly frustrated.  
"I'm not pregnant. I pretended to have a pregnancy scare so you could understand what you put others through sometimes, so you will stop with the silly jokes. Somehow, you must have figured out what I was doing and asked Dr. McCoy to go along with your silly joke. Just like all your other pranks, this is not funny." She said screaming at this point.  
"I hate to break this to you, but birth control pills are not foolproof even after 300 years. There are certain herbs that can render your medication completely ineffective. You should know this already, it's in the damn file that comes with your prescription." Dr. McCoy started to explain but she cut him off.  
"But I haven't been in contact with any of those flowers. Therefore, I am not pregnant." She said again.  
"Yes you have. The flower of life is currently in my greenhouse." Sulu added in frustration.  
"That's not one of the three plants that I know counteracts my birth control pill." She said frowning.  
"The flower of life is one of those plants but you probably know it by the Vulcan name that I cannot pronounce. You couldn't stop touching it." That's when she remembered studying that particular plan when she translated some very ancient Vulcan manuscripts about fertility rituals a few years ago, as part of the Keep Vulcan Culture Alive project.  
"Now, I know what you're talking about. I know all about the flower. Pre reform Vulcans used to make it into some sort of pastry that they consumed on the wedding night to help bring offspring. Touching it would not have done anything because you can't absorb it through skin contact. I would have to ingest it for it to work. Since I did not eat any of the leaves or petals, I cannot be pregnant." That's when Dr. McCoy told her about a little movie night incident involving something Jim refers to as 'Vulcan fertility cookies'. Jim Kirk was a dead man.  
________________________________________  
Jim was having a peaceful breakfast with his husband in the cafeteria before all hell broke out. Okay, breakfast was hardly peaceful with half the crew wishing them congratulations and the other half asking for details on how Spock got pregnant in the first place. He is going to write Pike about adding some sort of xeno-sex education program to the curriculum at the academy. Too many of his human crew members had no idea that male pregnancy was possible with any species in the Federation. Despite that, before then, a screaming Nyota was not involved. She literally looked ready to kill him.  
"You fucking asshole, you got me pregnant." She said as she slapped him across the face. He instantly knew what she was talking about. He was in so much trouble. There was no way he could ever write her up for insubordination, even if this incident happened in front of everybody. He deserved that. Actually, he cannot even write Sulu up for the baby joke thing because he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Spock's going to be furious at him for that. A furious pregnant Spock is just not something he's looking forward to (unless it led to rough sex which isn't going to be happening for the next eight months).  
"My mother always said I would hear those words one day, I just always assume that sex would be involved, not weird Vulcan cookies and spending time with a plastic cup. I blame you." He said glaring at his husband as he touched his right cheek. Considering the angry glares that he received from his best friend and his husband, it might be best if he spend the remainder of the day in a Jeffries tube. How the hell is he going to survive nine months with both Spock and Nyota pregnant? They're going to be talking about this until next April Fool's Day.  
To be concluded.


	4. Epilogue: What is with this Kid(s) and Holidays?

Christmas used to be Jim's least favorite holiday due to getting his ass kicked one too many times by his drunk/stoned stepfather, who usually consumed any money for presents via his nose. There was nothing marry or happy about December 25 in his world. (That is quite a feat considering he shares his birthday with the day his father died). Then came April Fool's Day on Enterprise, filled with lethal allergic reactions, negotiations gone deadly, court martial hearings, and people hiding in Jeffries tubes. Compared to the previous year, this year's 'fake' baby incident was relatively mild. No one was hospitalized, arrested, or resorted to hiding in Jeffries tubes. He even got a nice cake and gifts out of the thing. He didn't even mind sharing with the other (accidentally) expecting couple.  
Though he was tempted to hide for the first month as rumors were flying around about exactly how his Chief Communications Officer got pregnant. The funniest involved a foursome joked that was highly off-color (It wasn't that funny when Nyota threw a shoe at someone for that comment). He was even able to keep the worst of it from the Admiralty, mostly because they were expecting a baby announcement any moment because they had to ask permission in the first place for Spock to begin the in Vitro procedure in space. They only said yes because Vulcans are an endangered species.  
The worst part was the wonderful subspace video conference with multiple admirals about how his Chief Communications Officer's unplanned pregnancy was actually work related. Thankfully, nobody knew enough about the particular flower involved to know that ingestion was required for it to work. He was also thankful that nobody asked about a particular incident that occurred in the Enterprise cafeteria on the morning of April 2. (Nothing could be proven anyway, because the security footage conveniently 'disappeared'). It wasn't the first time in Starfleet history that somebody accidentally got pregnant due to something going wrong on a mission but it usually involves kidnapping and/or alien fertility rites. (Although, technically, an alien fertility rite was partially responsible for this). Nyota was speaking to him again because he pointed out the Admiralty's ridiculous double standard when they tried to ground Nyota for being pregnant, when they authorized a procedure that could lead to being pregnant while in space for another member of Starfleet. Those wonderful conversations with the idiots that be, were enough to keep April Fool's Day firmly at number one for another year.  
The anniversary of the battle of Vulcan is his number two least favorite holiday, this year. Mostly because even though they did exactly what his father in law wanted him and Spock to do, he was not happy (not that the Vulcan was ever happy). Jim's personal theory was that now that they were having a kid together, Jim was stuck in Spock's life forever much to Sarek's displeasure. Nyota's said it was because he found out he was going to be a grandfather on the day his wife died and he was probably upset because he realized that Amanda would never get to know her grandchildren. He personally believed his theory more. (This time was also miserable because he was sent on a snack run for organic non-replicated salt and vinegar potato chips and peanut brittle ice cream that were promptly mixed together. It took six stores and three hours but at least he had company in the form of Sulu, whose punishment for the baby shower incident was to go on every snack run for the duration. There were lots of 3 AM snack runs once they arrived back on Earth.)  
Of course, Vulcan scowling and raised eyebrows were much better than the reaction Sulu got for getting Nyota pregnant. Accidentally getting caught up in an ancient Vulcan fertility rite was not considered a valid excuse. He managed to get smack upside the head by his sister and Ny's mother. Her father tried to force a shotgun wedding (without actually involving actual weapons, much to Bones' disappointment) until Nyota told her father that nobody was going to ever force her to do anything she did not want to do.  
Valentine's Day was also on the list this year for horrible holiday but it only made number five. That was the day they decided to have the in Vitro procedure done. Therefore, the only action he got involved his hand and the specimen cup. Although, that was the day they conceived their little baby so he could not hate it that much.  
His birthday was tied for number three this year with Labor Day because ironically enough Spock went into labor nearly three months early during the middle of Scotty's Enterprise reunion barbecue on the campus green. Jim was absolutely petrified that Spock and the baby would not make it. That fear went away when Bones placed the most beautiful baby boy in the universe in his arms. Sadiki Kirk–(Very long Vulcan name that child will not be able to pronounce until preschool) was born at 11:43 PM on September 3 by emergency caesarean with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and slightly pointy ears. They chose that named because it meant faithful or loyal, it almost looked Vulcan, and it was gender neutral. Nyota suggested it. His father in law purposely drops the last "I" whenever he pronounces it but Jim just learned to keep his mouth shut because Sarek was Sadiki's only living grandparent.  
This year, Christmas did not even make his top 10 least favorite holiday list, mostly because of Sadiki. The not quite four-month-old baby was completely inundated with presents from all his pseudo aunts and uncles, including something that Scotty invented that Spock says the baby can have when he turns 12. It also helped that they were on Earth this year. It was a lot easier to decorate the San Francisco townhouse, than anywhere else Jim has lived in the last few years. It was also a lot easier to spend time with family and friends planet side. Even Spock's other self stopped by to see the baby that he refers to as his nephew. (That's probably because the two Spock's in his life see each other more like identical twins, separated by a good century, and not as the same person). Even better, Sarek was stuck on Babble for absolutely dreadful negotiations that he could not get away from.  
They were adjusting well to on planet life with a newborn. Spock was working on some independent study project that allowed him lots of time with Sadiki, who stayed in a playpen by his desk. This is the Vulcan version of maternity/paternity leave. Jim was teaching command classes at the academy (much to the dismay of certain Admiralty members) which means for the first time in nearly six years he has a holiday off. Although, not as bad as April Fool's day, bad things occasionally do happen on this holiday on Enterprise, but that usually involved drunk crew members doing stupid things and people getting caught having sex in strange places. Despite that, he never had to put anybody in the brig on Christmas).  
If you told him 10 years ago that he would be spending a happy Christmas with his newborn son, wonderful husband and all his friends he would think that you were absolutely crazy. His female best friend was currently upstairs in one of the three guest bedrooms in their San Francisco townhouse ready to pop. Sulu was there too because he wouldn't let her go anywhere alone right now. Bones was there to be with his daughter, (Jim does not know how Spock did it, but he somehow managed to get Bones his daughter for Christmas, which was the only thing the man ever wanted). Although, now that Bones was telling Chris what really happened last April, he really wished his friend was not there. He really hoped that Sadiki will not remember this conversation.  
"She actually slapped you?" Chris asked as he just kept laughing.  
"We were trying to keep the Admiralty from finding out what happened last April." Jim chided, with a groan as he fed Sadiki his bottle. "I should make you change his diaper just for that."  
"I don't think you consider me part of the Admiralty. Besides, I've heard worse about you. Hell, I recruited you after a bar fight. This is not even the first time I have heard a rumor about you getting someone pregnant. Although, I never thought cookies would be involved." He said laughing again.  
"Or no actual sex." Bones added as Jim tried to cover little pointy ears.  
"Don't mention S-e-x in front of little Vulcan ears." Jim chided.  
“There's nothing little about those ears." Bones snickered.  
"It was not my fault. When Spock told me it was perfectly OK for me to eat his special cookies, I thought it would be okay to offer one to my guest. How was I supposed to know they were laced with Vulcan Viagra?" Jim shrugged his shoulders, as he went back to feeding the baby.  
"I'm not worried about my reputation because it is already shot to hell, but rather, Nyota's. If the Starfleet powers were not so afraid of the court of public opinion, I probably would've never made it to the captain seat in the first place. Hell, I'd probably never have made it out of the academy. Sadiki you're going to hear a lot of bad things about me. Most of it is true, unfortunately. Just promise me you won't do half of it." He told Sadiki.  
"If that were the case, I doubt they would be letting you teach at the academy this semester. You have nothing to worry about in regard to the Lieutenant Commander, at least from me. You deserved it. But seriously, cookies?" Chris asked again, still laughing.  
"It's an ancient Vulcan fertility rite. You always tell me to respect the practices of other cultures, especially those in my own household. Not my fault my husband was overly paranoid about getting pregnant, so much that he ingested an assumed to be extinct plant that we found in the middle of nowhere. Really, he should tell me he's going to drug me for the purposes of getting super sperm." Jim said before he returned to feeding his son. Now that he had Sadiki, he couldn't fault Spock for what he did. They had the most beautiful baby in the world. So he accidentally got his friend pregnant, but at least Sadiki would have a playmate. If the conversation outside the door was any indication, that playmate would be arriving any moment now.  
"I'm not in labor. It's just back pain." Nyota said, walking into the room glaring at Spock, who was walking in behind her. She looked a lot more pregnant than Spock ever did but that was mostly because she actually made it to near the end of her pregnancy. Spock actually looked adorable pregnant but he destroyed almost every single picture of him with a baby belly.  
"After experiencing labor firsthand, I am aware that the early stages do resemble light back pain. I feel it would be most prudent to consult the opinion of Dr. McCoy, considering the 26 of December is your due date." His husband said this in the most matter of fact way possible. That just earned him a scowl.  
"I think Spock is right." Sulu added.  
"I'm not in labor." She yelled at her boyfriend.  
"I really hope you're not going to deny being in labor like you were about being pregnant. I can't deal with that again." Sulu mumbled under breath, causing him to receive another angry glare.  
"How often does this pain occur?" Dr. McCoy questioned as he walked over to her.  
"About every two Christmas songs." She answered with a shrug.  
"Those are contractions." The Doctor said in a matter of fact tone.  
"Given the average length of a pop song, I estimate they are coming 7.3 minutes apart." Spock added.  
"I am not having contr…" Nyota was cut off as she doubled over in pain as she started muttering various curse words in several different languages. Most of it involved threats about cutting Sulu's dick off. Spock did the exact same thing at the Labor Day barbecue. Definitely labor.  
"It looks like you're going to get a new play mate for Christmas after all." He told baby Sadiki as the others rushed over to Nyota. The baby just smiled in responds. At least, Jim thinks it was a smile, maybe it was just gas.  
________________________________________  
"I think I like Christmas more than April Fool's day now but that's only because of you. Don't tell mommy." Hikaru whispered to the little girl in his arms as he rocked her back to sleep in the birthing suite, that looked more like a normal apartment than a hospital room.  
Nyota was still asleep. He couldn't blame her after 17 hours of hard labor. At 2:06 PM, April Nadezhda Sulu-Uhura was born with lots of cursing and hand crushing. He was also threatened with castration 38 times. However, when the doctor placed his little girl in his arms after Sulu cut the cord he was sure that she was the most beautiful little girl in the universe with her already curly hair and caramel tone skin. It was the first time he ever fell in love with someone instantly.  
"I bet you're wondering how you ended up with such a normal first name like April when you have a mommy name Nyota who can speak a zillion languages, a pseudo uncle we call Spock because your mommy is the only one who can pronounce his real name, and a playmate named Sadiki with the same unpronounceable last name. Okay, your middle name is weird, but that is because we let Uncle Chekhov come up with it. Of course, he chose something Russian but it means hope, so we went with it. At least this time the name really is Russian, instead of him just pretending that it is. You will find out very quickly that Chekhov does that a lot. It's highly annoying but if he didn't do that you probably would not be here." He said remembering part of the reason why they broke up years ago. "I'll explain when you're older, maybe." He added quickly.  
"You're named April because that's the month when we found out you were coming. That was also the month when your mommy and me got together; although, you're too young to hear that story. Actually, you're never going to hear that story. Mommy and me will just have to make something up when you get older.  
"Contrary to what uncle Bones will tell you it had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your mommy thought you were an April Fool's Day joke." He told April with a nervous laugh.  
"Oka,y so your mommy thinking that you were an April Fool's Day joke is slightly true. Your father has been known to do some inappropriate things in the name of humor on that day. You were a bit of a surprise, but a very welcomed one. We loved you from the very first moment that we actually knew of your existence. Okay, maybe it took mommy a little bit longer to accept that you existed but that was only because daddy was an idiot." He explained to the baby who just scrunched up her nose a little.  
"When you get older, you may hear of a certain incident involving mommy slapping Uncle Jim and blaming him for your existence. Just ignore it. It was not as bad as it sounded and it was really Uncle Spock's fault. Promise me, you'll never eat strange cookies that don't come straight out of the replicator or a package?" April's only response was to do the newborn yawn thing.  
"On the bright side, we get to spend another two years on Enterprise, as mommy brushes up on her future captain skills." He explained to the baby. After a lot of discussion and screaming, it was decided that neither would take a position that required more responsibility until April was at least in preschool. Because this pregnancy was caused by a "work related mishap", the couple qualified to bring April to their next assignment. Because Enterprise was the only ship that could accommodate a child April's age at present, they will get to stay on the same ship for two more years, which was highly unusual.   
"You'll also get to spend a lot of time with Sadiki. He's four months older than you but he's interesting for a baby. You may also here some strange story about how I accidentally announced his existence before his other daddy found out about it but that was so not my fault." That's when he went on to explain the entire thing to the baby who just wiggled a little in response.  
"Mommy made me promise that I would never do another fake invitation/party April fool's day joke ever again, otherwise, I would never get to do the thing that made you in the first place with mommy. I like fun time with mommy and I love her, therefore, I have to listen to what she says. That's okay, I have a great idea for next year. Do you remember your Uncle Spock?" He asked April. She really did not respond.  
"He's the one who brought you the Vulcan teddy bear that has fangs. He's also one of Sadiki's daddies. We'll explain more about that when your two great grandfather's come by later. Anyway, last night before your mommy when into labor during the middle of the Christmas Eve festivities, I got to meet his great uncle Selek. If it wasn't for the century age difference they could be twins. They even drink their tea the exact same way. What do you think about a fake news article about how Commander Spock is really a clone of his granduncle?" He was almost sure he heard a groan but that would be impossible because Nyota was still sleeping.  
The End, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As April 1 approaches again, I’m considering doing a follow-up story. Please leave your ideas and encouragement.


End file.
